Chapter 5

THE MAN/WOMAN THING

There be three things which are too wonderful for me, yea, four which I know not: The way of an eagle in the air; the way of a serpent upon a rock; the way of a ship in the midst of the sea; and the way of a man with a maid. Proverbs 30:18-19

"The way of a man with a maid" remains one of the truly wonderful mysteries in life. The Bible gives eloquent testimony to this wondrous man/woman thing in the Song of Solomon:

My beloved speaks and says to me, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away. For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone: The time of the singing of birds is come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!, she cries . . . Sustain me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am sick with love. I can feel his left hand under my head and his right hand embraces me.

And he is no less amorous:

How beautiful is your love .... How much better is your love than wine! Honey and milk are under your tongue.... Turn away your flashing eyes from me, for they have overcome me, . . . Your stature is like to a palm tree and your bosom to its clusters of dates. I resolve I will climb the palm tree, I will grasp its branches.

She said, Come, my beloved! Let us go forth. . . Let us go out early to the vineyards and see whether the grape blossoms have opened and the pomegranates are in bloom. There I will give you my love. Song of Solomon 2:10-12; 1:2; 2:5-6; 4:10-11; 6:5; 7:7-8, 11-12 Amp.

That it exists is undebatable; what it is remains a lively question. This is our focus here: What is this man/woman thing? How can we understand the mysterious relationship between a man and a maid? What is the nature of this unique encounter?

First, a matter of perspective. The song of Solomon is only one short book among sixty-five others which comprise the Bible. In the overall picture of the Bible, the Song of Solomon is a minor theme. In like manner the man/woman thing is more properly a minor element in the overall time of life. Its significance lies in its seasoning effect rather than in the quantity of time consumed by its It is the salt, the spice in life's food, not the meal itself. It is one of sixty-six, the icing on the cake, not the corn bread and peas. Though extremely significant, it is not the main thing."

Consequently, the attempt to base life on romantic love is a tragic mistake. This fragile mystery is an inappropriate foundation for heaven. To try to exist on love is like trying to make a meal out of salt. Yet the seasoning is important. The goal, I think, is to recognize its significance, activate it in life, perfect the arts of playing the game, do so when it is appropriate, but to keep the man/woman thing in a proper overall perspective, namely, one of sixty-six.

Back to the question. What is the nature of the mystery? As related to the primary issue of human identity, the man/woman thing is a game rather than a source or basis of identity It is something to do, not to be -that is, an activity rather than a spiritual quest. It is an exciting, spicy encounter between one person wearing a male suit and another wearing a female outfits Each plays a part, like an actor or actress on a stage. Persons cloak themselves as male and female and act out an ageless drama with an ever-new script.

The fun of the game lies in playing the parts well; the danger is forgetting that it is a game Deadly consequences are predictable when one confuses the search for identity with acting the role. The game is fun when played well, but disastrous when taken seriously, as when one seeks to find himself in the encounter or relationship. In reality one can play the role of man or woman, but cannot literally be either. The game is between persons playing male and female. The drama becomes tragic when either attempts to be the role played. Selfhood is never involved in a productive man/woman encounter.

The excitement evolves as independent persons meet under the guise of man and women. Playfully they encounter as separate actors, meeting but not attempting to get or have. Such serious endeavors destroy the basis of the games It cannot be played with a possessed one. This is why marriage so often destroys a good relationship.

At the deepest level the game is, I think, rooted in the sexual capacity--the biological inclination toward reproduction of the species. As a drama, the game theoretically aims at intercourse. In practice, however, the primary delight lies in the moves and counter-moves of the participants, rather than in overt sexual activity In spite of the personal pleasures of intercourse, sex itself seems to more often be an escape from the man/woman thin." Most anyone can do the sex act--it is essentially biological--but it takes talent and skill to artfully play the man/woman game.

Who can play? Any man and any woman. Age is irrelevant; prior acquaintance is unnecessary; marriage its incidental For practical reasons overt sexual activity as part of the game is often restricted to marriage. The game itself, however, knows no such boundaries. In fact, the difficulty or impossibility of intercourse often enhances the play of the game. When sex becomes easily possible the participants may miss the fun of the drama by rushing to the theoretical conclusion.

Although the game is, as the name implies, primarily between men and women, it is often played by members of the same sex. Since the drama is between persons in roles, the actual sexual identity of the participants is incidental. For example, homosexual relationships usually consist of one who plays the role of man and another who acts the feminine role.

How is the game played? Although the drama is essentially spiritual in nature--that is, consisting of a series of encounters between the spirit of one and the spirit of the other, the playing pieces are tangible. These include the appearance of the participants--body and clothing, the eyes, verbal subtleties, and sometimes touch. The body and its manner of presentation-shape, style of dress or undress, hair, makeup, and subtle movements--these become the initial playing pieces, especially useful in the woman's role. Next, the eyes are a major element in the continuing encounter. Looking, looking away, glancing, plus the kind of look--curious, soft, or inviting--these are perhaps the most powerful of the playing pieces.

Talk, especially verbal subtleties--innuendoes, hints, figures of speech, stories--becomes the most obvious of the devices used in the game. Straight talk, utilizing strict dictionary definitions, is less often useful. Consider, for example, this statement of the woman in the Song of Solomon: "She said distinctly My beloved is mine, and I am hiss He pastures his flocks among the lilies." (Song of Solomon 2:16 Amp.) Strictly speaking the facts are probably inaccurate. They do not belong to each other in any physical or legal sense. Nor is it likely that flowers are the principal diet of his sheep. Although the information is questionable, the statement is an excellent example of man/woman talk, filled with subtleties and innuendoes.

Finally, touch is sometimes useful as a fourth playing piece in the intricate man/woman game. Though less often used, it becomes powerful when artfully done in a subtle manner. As with words, the finesse lies in touching appropriately rather than crudely or untimely.

Irrelevant acts, gifts, and unrequited deeds are sometimes the icing on the cake in the man/woman thing. These can become a graphic way of expressing the feelings inherent in the game. The beauty and value of these tangible expressions is often inversely proportional to their inherent value. For, example, a plucked flower with no practical value can become a powerful means of expression. A glass of cool water, unrequested, may say more than a thousand words.

With these playing pieces the game itself is a rhythmical interplay of in and out, back and forth, teasing, tempting, leading and following encounters. In general, the female is tempting and retiring while the male is seductive and dominant. She demurs; he advances. She drops the handkerchief; he picks it up. She is the receiver; he the giver. Although the man appears to be more forward, the woman may, in fact, be the more aggressive of the two. Her forwardness is less apparent because it is carried out in more subtle ways. Temporarily, in the course of the game, the tables may be turned and the woman will take the lead with the man following. Soon, however, a reversal occurs and the man is in the lead again. Once into the midst of a good man/woman game, the rhythmical interplay of leading and following--first the man, then the woman--may become so intertwined as to conceal who is the most assertive of the two. In the final analysis, however, the male remains more dominant. Even though he is temporarily the chased rather than the chaser, the final balance of power remains on his side in any crucial event. The dynamics of the game require that the greater force be on the side of the male.

In the actual playing of the game the pieces enumerated above are each brought into appropriate use. For instance, the woman may tempt with the cut of her clothes or an inviting move of her head. The man may follow up with a look of curiosity in his eyes. She may return the look with a tempting glance' which he in turn follows with a verbal subtlety. Once the game is in play, the pieces may be freely exchanged, one Following the other. An occasional touch, in a socially acceptable manner, may add to the delight of the encounter. Gifts, including compliments or valueless things--such as, flowers, a Kleenex, or a glass of water--may be given at appropriate times. Services like opening a door, offering a chair, or preparing food may be added in time. These assorted playing pieces are used in proper proportions throughout the encounter, no matter how long or short it may last. Through them the spirit of one encounters the spirit of the other in a beautiful, exciting array of sensitive meetings which I call the man/woman thing.

Why the game? one may ask. Why play roles? The answer is: practicality, and because it works. Since persons can never relate in pure form, that is, without some particular role or stance, then some type of medium is required for every encounter If persons are to get together they must have some way of doing so. The man/woman thing is just such a functional way. It is not inherently virtuous, so that playing the game of man and woman together is sacred within itself. Its value comes only in that it provides an excellent form for human beings to relate to one another. It makes a way for being together.

WHAT TO DO

Assuming you view the man/woman thing as a feasible activity, what can you do to enhance your playing? First, recognize it as the game it is, then play for fun. Let it be an exciting encounter between independent persons wearing complementary roles. Never play seriously--that is, attempt to use the game to establish your identity (prove yourself)) or achieve some other goal such as getting sex or a spouse. For example, one may be tempted to act like a woman in an effort to snare a husband, or play the role of man to secure the sexual favors of a woman. Such devious purposes transform the game into a serious endeavor and interfere with effective play. Perhaps the most dangerous abuse of the game is when one attempts to prove himself as a person through becoming the role he plays, as when a male tries to prove himself by dominating a woman or through a number of sexual conquests. The game can only be fulfilling when played for itself alone. The goal is in the playing, not in winning It aims only at itself. The excitement lies in playing well, not in achieving some later reward. Consequently, play only when you feel independent and confident not when you fear being yourself. Play for the fun of being together; not to run from yourself.

Two current problems are likely to be encountered in the man/woman thing. Men have historically tried to use the role to prove themselves as persons. They have tried to identify themselves by being a man.' Women, conversely, have more frequently used the stance to achieve other goals. They have striven to 'be themselves' apart from the female role. Hence the problems in this time of emphasis on liberation. Men, tired of trying to 'be a man', may be tempted to rebel against playing the role. Aware of previous unsuccessful attempts to find identity in masculinity they may mistakenly reject the role all together. Women, on the other hand, alert to the deception involved in using their womanly wiles, and rejecting the typecasting which is common in our society (being forced to act female), may likewise wish to avoid the familiar stance. Thus, in the quest for personal liberation, both men and women may try to reject the most natural and effective means of playing this exciting game. If either of these problems plagues you, work at freeing yourself from the compulsion to assume or reject the role. Remember, a role is just a role. Use it because it works, not because you have to.

If you are married and have begun to take your spouse for granted, consider more active involvement in the man/woman thing, as you probably did before the ceremony. Start courting again, as though you had no contract. Since you will be less tempted to use courting to achieve some later goal, you will be freer to play the game for the fun of it. Tempt your mate. Give inviting looks. Pay unusual attention. Touch seductively. Give an irrelevant gift, a non-birthday present. Treat your spouse as though you had no ties. Sharpen your skills at playing the man/woman game.

If you are single, play the game whenever it is appropriate in your daily encounters. Keep your attention of playing the game skillfully rather than using it to achieve some other goal such as getting married. Remember, it is far more important to be a person than to be married. If you have secretly set your sights on marriage at any cost, reconsider the importance of being a male or female person. Better, I think, to be an unmarried person than a married nonperson.

Certainly you will use discretion in where and when you play. In general, play during your leisure times, with persons who matter to you, and with casual acquaintances when no physical danger is involved. Avoid playing on the job, especially with your supervisors or those you supervise. Occasional play with fellow-employees is sometimes appropriate when one is not directly involved in work assignments. Mixing play with work is dangerous both for the game and the Job.

One should be careful about playing the game with those who use it to achieve unrelated goals. Special discernment is required with such persons. Women should, of course, be careful of playing when there is danger of sexual abuse. Though playing with strangers, such as clerks in stores or with-travelers on planes or buses is often in order, the wise woman will carefully avoid giving inviting signals to males when no social protection is afforded.

All persons, married or single, who understand the game as a delightful means of human encounter rather than a serious purposive endeavor, may freely choose to play whenever unengaged in other required activities. Whenever such a male meets a female, no matter his or age, marital status, or station in life, the man/woman game becomes an exciting possibility. The length of the encounter is relatively unimportant. Even a five second meeting with a clerk, a stranger on the street, or an old friend, may allow for a brief play via the eyes or a casual exchange of words. Such encounters, when well played, can add unusual spice to the ordinary activities of life.

Regrettably, many married persons cease playing the game after the ceremony, both with their spouse or anyone else. They may feel it is unnecessary with the mate and that it is wrong with others. This attitude is reasonable when the game is viewed only as a device to accomplish some devious purpose. However, when understood as simply a fun thing to do, married persons may play as freely as anyone. Skills acquired in marriage may allow them to play even more deftly.

SUMMARY

The mysterious "way of a man with a maid" can be a highly significant spice in life. In proper perspective, it is a fun thing to do, rather than a serious endeavor to establish or maintain personal identity or achieve other goals such as marriage or sex. In the overall quantity of time in life the man/woman thing is relatively minor. To make it the main thing-that is, the event which gives life its meaning, is a common yet tragic mistake.

When appropriately viewed as an end in itself, the man/woman thing can be played for fun between almost any man and woman of any age or circumstance and at any time. Ideally the male leads in an overt manner, while the female leads more covertly. He is obvious; she is suggestive. Each plays his/her role skillfully. The point of the differing stances is practicality; neither is better or worse, higher or lower. The roles are chosen simply because they work. Occasionally switching is feasible when done in an appropriate manner. He may momentarily act like a female, while she poses as the man. These changes should only be temporary, however, lest the overall basis of the game be destroyed.

Any human being who understands and has realized his identity as a persons separate and apart from masculinity or femininity, may enhance the quality of life by skillfully playing the man/woman game at appropriate times.

(From: WHO AM I?: Guidance for Understanding Yourself and Relating to Others)

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